woman wearing silver-colored ring

The Real Obstacles to Attracting Love Are Not Outside of You

By Mary Gorham Malia 

You’re looking and looking and looking for that special one to love. Searching far and wide for that one special and amazing woman to call your own and who wants you to be hers alone.

That’s actually energy that you are putting out into the world. Can you see and feel all that energy pushing outward into the world and into that big open space out there? Can you feel yourself and those days when you’re just over it? Frustrated and felt a bit desperate to find that special gay girl. Are you wondering if you’ll ever find her?

Would you consider changing things up and instead of looking for love, think about starting to attract love. Start being a magnet for love. You’ve heard about the law of attraction right? You’ve heard about The Secret right? Maybe you’ve seen the movie too but there’s more to this Law than the movie tells us.

As a gay woman, you may be feeling stymied in your quest for love partly because you cannot envision yourself being in a loving relationship with someone else. Until you are able to see yourself living the life that you truly want it’s going to be difficult for you to create it.

You see pictures in your head all the time. You are running a movie about your life, your dreams, relationships past and present, and every little thing all the time. You have stories you are telling yourself about what you don’t want, what you hate, what drives you crazy all day too. The Law of Attraction says that what you focus on is what you will get. So what are you getting? What is showing up?

Once upon a time, I had a story I was stuck in. It was a story about how another woman had “done me wrong.” She’d made promises and in the story in my head, she’d broken every one of them. She’d abandoned me during a very difficult time in my life. In my story, I was a victim, she had infinite power and used it to crush my tender heart.

How do you like it so far? Yeah, pathetic!! I was so trapped in that story that I couldn’t get out of my own way to see a better life for myself. It took a wake-up call from someone I really respect and then a commitment to myself and some hard work to rewrite that story and give it a new meaning so that I was no longer a victim.

When I could stop being the victim and start to see the good in what happened – I was forced to take ownership of my life at a much deeper level – my life turned around. Nothing on the outside changed very much at the beginning but what was inside of me changed dramatically. And then the outside world started to shift too.

Realize that what you focus on becomes what you attract. Focus on not having enough and that’s what you’ll have. Focus on how cheap or tricky or deceitful women are and that’s what you will attract into your life. Focus on the goodness of life and on being happy in each moment and guess what you’ll attract – more goodness and more happiness. Focus on the goodness in other people and in the lesbian community and you will attract it.

Really, I’ve learned this the hard way. I’ve learned it by focusing on the negative so much that I wasn’t sure I had a reason to keep living at one point. Then one day I had the realization that I wouldn’t let myself be happy. I was committed to being sad and miserable. I had 1000 ways to be mad and miserable and only 4 or 5 ways to be happy. I was committed to my depressing awful story because it made me feel significant and it gave me a level of certainty I wanted and needed.

The level of betrayal that happened in my old relationship stunned not only me but anyone who I told. There was a certain significance that came to me because of that story. I could feel special in a crazy sort of way. People were in awe of what I went through for that relationship and I somehow wanted the significance and uniqueness that story gave me. Yeah, sick puppy. I’m over that now!!

Every time I told that miserable woe-is-me story I reinforced my own need for certainty that what happened to me was worse than anything someone else had to go through. (That was my own lie, but a story I hung on to for a while.)

Then one day I woke up from that nightmare and I made some adjustments on what I really needed and wanted from life. All of a sudden holding on to the victim story lost its glory for me. When I decided that what I really wanted was love and connection and not significance the axis my world turns on shifted for the better.

You can do this too. You can make decisions that shift the direction and trajectory of your life and set you on a path to find someone who is truly special and right for you.

Envision the relationship you want to be in.

Imagine that you live in the most beautiful place on earth. Perhaps it is near the beach or in the mountains or on an island. It’s different for everyone. Then imagine you have your dream home there and no money worries. Imagine. Yes, you can.

Now imagine you’ve met the perfect gay girl for you. She is your perfect match. You adore everything about her and she feels that way about you.

Now imagine writing the story of your life as if it were a fairy tale that ends with all of your wishes fulfilled. The perfect lesbian, the perfect place, the perfect day. What does it look like, feel like, sound like, taste, and even smell like? What did you do that you are most proud of and how did you show love to each other?

Imagine your ideal life and your ideal partner or girlfriend. Enjoy it. Smile. Feel it. Let yourself feel the whole day and the things that happened. Write it all down in detail. As much detail as you can stand! Give yourself a minimum of 10 minutes working on writing it out but you might want to take an hour. Make it special and wonderful.

Then when you’ve spent a good 10 – 20 minutes writing and seeing this great movie, take a couple of deep slow breaths and then let the vision go. Just gradually and gently let all the images float away into the goodness of Spirit, or God or Universe or whatever your truth is about Spirit. Trust that it will come back to you because it will.

This exercise should be repeated over the next 5 – 10 days. Sit for a few minutes and replay it in your head then let it go. Express your thankfulness and gratefulness for being able to imagine such a wonderful life and give thanks that it’s coming your way.

So get to it. Do your homework. It’s time for you to start attracting love!


  • The Real Obstacles to Attracting Love Are Not Outside of You

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