By Janice Ervin
The kitchen, with its melding of scents, great food, and conversation, is often a favorite gathering place. There’s something about the feeling of the room that entices folks to relax, unwind and open up. This past Memorial Day I was blessed by a visit with a long-distance friend. We had a few moments to share while slicing a lemon meringue pie for the intimate group of friends relaxing in the garden outback.
In an attempt to catch up we bounced along with topics until we landed upon a philosophical question many folks have faced in one form or another; “How does one stop oneself from feeling stressful concerns of inadequacy when in a competitive sports atmosphere?” In other words, there you are, excited to play a game, supported by your fellow teammates, with a long, fun-filled, list of achievements already to your credit. Yet there is this facet to all humans that has the ability to create doubt and sabotage the mindset.
Since that short conversation, I’ve skimmed the edges of this topic in my mind, recalling past experiences which relate to the same core difficulty. For instance, I’ve enjoyed dancing for as long as I can remember, yet numerous times I’ve heard fellow lovers of dance express feelings of inadequacy when it comes to stepping out on the floor. In fact, on the most recent showing of the prime time program, ‘Medium’, a woman discussed taking tango lessons and when a man suggested she visit a dance club he was familiar with, she shyly responded, ‘Oh, I don’t think so…I’m not ready for that yet.’
We have all experienced moments of self-doubt at some time in our life. We compare our physicality, our strengths, our artistic abilities, our monetary situations, our valuables, our business prowess, and even the condition of the grass in our front yards against those of another person. We cringe at the idea of being placed in a position where we might be weighed, measured, and found wanting according to a standard set by someone else. In fact, many studies list public speaking as one of the greatest human fears, for it places an individual out in front, with all those knowing, judging eyes quietly taking stock. Why is it that we are not at peace and comfortable with whom we are? And why is it necessary to measure our achievements against an exterior value?
Because the ego is consistent in its desire to be perceived as ‘top dog’, one might say that a positive feature to the act of comparing is its ability to push an individual beyond their current limits. It stimulates a drive for enhanced knowledge and accomplishment. Yet in truth, it makes little sense. Raised under diverse circumstances and because our lives are in a continuous state of building upon experiences, even our perception of similar experiences will vary.
Now when an individual is participating as a team member, there is the understanding that each player brings a unique aspect to the group toward a united goal, which for any sport, is to win. Therefore, team members feel pressure to be their best. Could there be an element of this pressure that actually relates to the individual’s concern over whether the team members will find them a worthy colleague?
So in my musings, I thought of all the self-help books, how-to books, and philosophical books which enable individuals to gain a greater handle on this widespread topic, ‘self-love’. These books discuss the power of thought and positive affirmation. This subject is relevant for talk shows as well. One psychologist recommends standing naked in front of the mirror each day and reaffirming to the mirrored image that they are beautiful and worthy of love. Other suggestions include talking openly about the reasons you might suffer from bouts of low self-esteem, delving into past experiences, and adopting methods to forgive yourself and others. In sum, the general concept appears to be to shatter the less affirming programmed habits then rebuild an optimistic, encouraging viewpoint in its stead. While all of these concepts are excellent, is it possible a relevant aspect is missing?
Thus far, suggestions such as mentioned above facilitate a heightened awareness for our conscious and even our subconscious thought process. In fact, to some degree, they highlight our thoughts, patterns, and triggers, as the core focal point for consideration, should we wish to make changes in our lives. So, if someone is has a weight concern, the idea is to find out what triggers their eating. If someone finds themselves feeling insecure in a social gathering, or while playing a sport, the idea is to determine what the trigger is that makes them feel less than assured, then reprogram that thought process to one that best serves their life in a positive manner.
However, while we are formed of a physical, mental-emotional body, we are likewise gifted with an ethereal body. This light body is the subtle essence – the quiet awareness that exists behind the incessant ticker tape of thoughts playing through our minds daily. And while intangible, this component – the nucleus of YOU – is as real as faith, hope, or love. Its role is to connect with others, experience all this physical existence has to offer, and manifest its connection to all through eyes of compassion and non-judgment. To this thought process, add the fleeting, priceless quality of time. Lives slip by much too quickly, and we exist within corporeal bodies which are not designed to exist forever.
So, instead of focusing on and identifying our wholeness solely as our human body, emotions, thoughts, and prior experiences, what if we step back and view our existence from an illuminated vantage point? By keeping this more expansive picture out in front, we might experience a shift in awareness that could affect many areas of our life, including the concerns regarding ‘self-love’. How can you seriously entertain the idea of comparing yourself against another, when you are both made up of an ethereal body rooted in compassion and non-judgment? Wouldn’t it be better if all desire for enhanced knowledge were kindled by a purely enthusiastic interest?
Stripping away the layers of time, can you remember what it was like to view life through the eyes of a young child? Did you ever put on a play for your friends or parents? Do you remember wearing a cowboy hat or pretending you drove the batmobile or that you were a princess? Fearing the thoughts of others wasn’t a concern. Actions were taken than for the sheer joy they brought in the act of doing and experiencing. What changed?
Shouldn’t all challenging activities be undertaken with the concept that you are truly only testing yourself, not competing against another person? With an understanding that you are a living means to enable the spirit to manifest, how can you not fully immerse yourself in each experience knowing the blessing of spirit sharing it with you – through you – each moment that simply IS?
Individuals are as unique as snowflakes and precious as gems. Know that you are made of stardust, sunshine, laughter, and dreams. Dance with delight and pour your heart into a song. Play your favorite sport with exhilaration for the pleasure it brings. Gaze into the mirror and appreciate the miraculous, multifaceted wonder that is you. It’s more than a mantra or prosaic saying – it’s your life. Live it with a clear awareness that it is a gift. You may find your fears will magically erode in the shadows due to lack of attention when you fully engage in spotlighting your joy.